FaceSpace just passed 200 users! We’re going to beat Facebook in the next millennium!

Yeah. Right.

So with so many crazy social networks popping out of every God-forsaken corner of the internet, how do you know when it’s time to join one of these new fangled social networks?

You know a social network is worth its meddle when the network can be described in a  clear and concise way. If it takes paragraph, or two, OR FIVE, then you know there’s a problem.

It’s even worse if it’s described as, “It’s like that other crappy social network, but it has a feature that appeals to Linux users.”

Kill me now.

You should join it if you actually know living, breathing people on there. Social networks with only a handful strangers are sad, lonely places. And knowing people means you might actually come back and find something you like.

What does it take for you to join a new social network? Well, you know, besides a hundred dollars.

When to Join a New Social Network was originally posted on The Anti-Social Media, the best social media blog. Ever.

Well, actually, that is pretty exciting, if you know what I mean.

Then I got this image in a Facebook ad for a job searching tool:

Oh. My God.

This is the stuff of nightmares. Now, when I look at Facebook ads, I see this:

Who in their right mind chose that image? It makes me want to stay the hell away from that ad and Facebook. For all I know, I’ll click that ad and I’ll be floating in a sewer with Tim Curry.

Please Zuckerberg - Take this terrible dream away.

The Worst Facebook Ad Ever was originally posted on The Anti-Social Media, the best social media blog. Ever.

Soon, Facebook will become OrganBook. Doesn’t that have a lovely ring to it?

Whatever the case, this is just another invasion of user’s privacy. Here are a few of the truly awful reasons Facebook wants you to declare that you are an organ donor

• Facebook is turning us into  flesh-eating zombies - Do you find yourself mindlessly scrolling the newsfeed? As we lose our conscious thoughts to Facebook as we develop the taste for delicious brains, and we need to know where we can get that next meal.
• Facebook is writing an organ meat cookbook - You can’t rely on just on source of revenue, and it’s going to take a lot of liver to feed 800 million people.
• Mark Zuckerberg is actually Hannibal Lector - They’re both ridiculously smart, obsessive, and able to mess with our minds. Zuckerburg already kills everything he eats. How long until he has a taste for human?
• Facebook is breaking into the black market for organs - Again, this diversifies Facebook’s revenue stream. Don’t mind that gaping wound. You said you wanted to donate a kidney!
• Facebook is on a public health crusade - After oragns, Facebook asks people to share whether they are diabetic, have cancer, or are HIV positive. Pharmaceutical companies  salivate as they advertise directly to the patients who desperately need their medicine. “Like” this post to win free dialysis!
• Facebook is making a market for cheap and plentiful organs – Repo! The Genetic Opera doesn’t look that silly. And you can pay with Facebook credits!
• They just want to help people - Yeah. Right.

You’ve already given your heart, mind and soul to Facebook. Don’t be surprised when they come for your flesh next month.

Facebook Wants Your Delicious Organs was originally posted on The Anti-Social Media, the best social media blog. Ever.

That’s all lies.

Unique ideas are for people who are too dumb to figure out how to repurpose someone else’s work. Someone else has already had your original idea. Now just make it work for you

No one wants original content. Nobody wants to be entertained or educated. They don’t want to be delighted. They just want to see the same crap, day in and day out.

So get to work remixing and repurposing. Nobody will mind seeing the same idea over and over and over.

How are you going to steal someone else’s work today?

Content Creation is for Chumps. was originally posted on The Anti-Social Media, the best social media blog. Ever.

Well, I haven’t heard about social media yet, so I did some research. Social media is like something, but nobody know what that something is. For example:

• Social Media is like Chess.
• Social Media is like Marshmallow Peeps.
• Social Media is like a String Bikini.
• Social Media is like Ranch Dressing.

What. The. Hell.

Make up your damn minds! What the hell is social media like? A strategic game? Sexy clothing? Marshmallows covered in a fattening condiment?

Social media is anything. Whatever you want social media to be, social media can be it.

Just don’t make social media chess-playing, ranch covered marshmallow in a string bikini. Someone already has that twisted fetish covered.

Social Media is like Something was originally posted on The Anti-Social Media, the best social media blog. Ever.

The redesign did not bring any major new features. Exciting new features would be too logical for Google+ to compete against the likes of Facebook, Twitter, or Pinterest.

Instead, Google+ brought the white space.

Other social networks fill every inch of your screen with needless crap and advertisements. Google+ reminds you to breath and relax with a huge swath of warm, white screen.

Embrace the white space. Love the white space. Make the white space a part of your very core.

For soon enough, the white space will be filled with contextual advertisements that suck the very soul out of your circles.

I Love the White Space was originally posted on The Anti-Social Media, the best social media blog. Ever.

If it keeps this up, it’ll be in the pantheon of useful social networks. Perhaps it will suffer a better fate than what happened to Google Buzz, Ping, and, lord help us all, Quora.

So, now that it’s here to stay and will never change again, it’s time to start offering clients a bunch of services that they could get for free by spending an hour on the platform and  a few hours reading some good social media resources.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with charging people for your expertise when they are just being lazy.

What’s even better is that if Google+ does change again, you’ve now got your client trapped. They’ll need you, the expert, to understand the changes, even though everything works the same but they just changed the colors, or that people can now play Farmville on Google+.

Start advertising yourself right now as an expert on the new Google+. Tell everyone that it’s completely different than old Google+. Tell them that with the redesign brought new features that can bring them improved revenue and engagement.

If anyone tries to shut you down and says that you are a fraud, say that they are lying. You’re a Google+ expert. You know everything.

Duh.

Become the new Google+ expert now before some jerk writes a book about it.

You too can get rich from doing nothing but spewing buzzwords that mean nothing while claiming it’s engagement. Claim your riches. Be the new Google+ expert.

Why you Need to be a Google+ Expert Right Now was originally posted on The Anti-Social Media, the best social media blog. Ever.

Foursquare Day is a bullshit, social media marketing holiday. It’s basically a modern version of a made-up, greeting card holiday. There are a few differences though.

Instead of buying cards, a bunch of social media tools will write tweets and blog posts telling you to check into more crap. Oh, and rather than buying a token gift from the dollar store, you’ll just download the Foursquare app.

So how does one actually celebrate Foursquare Day? Well, the normal way is to pull out your smart phone, and check into locations all around town. But where’s the fun in that?

Instead, I suggest you use Foursquare Day as a way to remind yourself how creepy geolocation technology is. Remember:

• Every time you check in, someone knows you aren’t home.
• Every time you check in, your stalker can find you.
• Every check in paints a geographical picture of your every. single move.

Creepy, isn’t it?

Happy Foursquare Day, suckers.

How to Celebrate Foursquare Day was originally posted on The Anti-Social Media, the best social media blog. Ever.

And yesterday, The Oatmeal went and ruined that.

Motherfucker.

Now we all have to actually try. No more cat photos. No more thought leadership. Just actual work creating cool shit, and we all know how that goes.

Fuck you, Oatmeal. Fuck you for making me have to try and be more creative

Oh, and here’s your damned tank.

F*%# You Friday! The Oatmeal was originally posted on The Anti-Social Media, the best social media blog. Ever.

Sadly, we all can’t be bitchin’ like Mike Stelzner. I’ve had several thousand Twitter followers for a year now, and you know what it’s gotten me? Jack shit.

My order at McDonald’s is still fucked up. No random strangers stop me on the corner asking for autographs. Klout perks are overrated crap from China.

But LinkedIn is a different beast. When you’re influential on LinkedIn, you get better jobs. Better jobs mean more money.

It pays to be influential on LinkedIn. Literally.

So, here are 7 ways to be an influential badass on LinkedIn:

1. Have a good picture of yourself - Don’t bitch that there aren’t any good photos of you. Basically everyone has a phone with a camera and crap load of photos of themselves on Facebook. Get off your lazy ass and find a nice professional photo of yourself so I can see you’re a human and not a cleverly disguised kitten.
2. Get your nice resume on there - I know you probably made your LinkedIn profile and then immediately forgot it. If you have a job, you’ve probably written a nice resume somewhere. Copy and paste that shit into your LinkedIn profile.
3. Add some skills, yo - You’ve got mad skills. Get them on LinkedIn, so everyone can know you’ve got mad game at “Social Networking” and “Personal Branding.”
4. Connect with people – Do I really need to remind you that you need to be social on a social network?
5. Get some recommendations – Someone, somewhere, has enjoyed working with you. Find that person. Ask them to write something nice. Bribe them if necessary.
6. Don’t worry about posting shit - How many times do you hear about people who read something on LinkedIn? Exactly. If you see something worth sharing and you want to go for it, do it. But don’t worry about making it a priority if you’ve got better shit to worry about, like real life, or a zombie apocalypse.
7. Don’t link your Twitter account - Most people blend their personal and professional Twitter accounts. No one wants to read your boring or embarrassing tweets on LinkedIn. We’re all to busy stalking people. Keep it separate.

Those are just the basics. But now you’ve got the tools to be totally awesome. Get off Facebook and do some social networking that might actually make a difference in your life.

How are you going to be a LinkedIn badass?

7 Ways to be a Total Badass on LinkedIn was originally posted on The Anti-Social Media, the best social media blog. Ever.