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Archive | April, 2011

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The Glamorous Life of a Social Media Superstar

Glamorous Blogger - The Anti-Social MediaI took an unannounced vacation last week because I’m a D-dist Blogger and I make my own rules. I do what I want and I treat my readers like little sociopaths. It’s the glamorous life at its finest.

However, I always get asked, “Jay, what’s it like being a social media star? Do they give you free coffee at Starbucks? Do you get recognized everywhere you go? Are the groupies awesome?”

Let me tell you, it’s not like that at all. In fact, it’s even worse. There’s no free coffee. You’re only recognized by insane stalkers. And there are no groupies. Just Twitter followers.

Want to see how amazing the life of a blogger is? Let’s go through my typical social media day.

7 am: Wake up. Look at my iPhone and see I’ve got 200 new e-mails. I whine to my cat, and then slam my face back into a pillow.

8 am: Wake up again. See it’s 8, and rush into the shower, eat some breakfast, and run to work. I begin looking through all 200 e-mails, and see most of them require no attention of mine. Mass delete becomes my friend.

9 am: Get to work. Work on making the Facebook more fun and social for my clients. Open up Tweetdeck and begin looking into the Matrix.

10 am: Keep working on Facebook. Maybe having a meeting or two. Keep one eye on the Matrix incase anything weird pops up, like a free iPad or some other crap.

11 am: Keep working on Facebook, maybe switch to Twitter for the hour just for kicks.

12 pm: Decide I want lunch. Realize I forgot to pack a lunch. Decide that McDonald’s will do. Run out to the golden arches as my arteries begin to clog in anticipation. Read more e-mails on my phone while stuck in the drive through line because everyone else wants delicious Chicken McNuggets. Eventually scarf down my lunch and take a nap in my car.

1 pm: Return to work. Keep working on Facebook. Rejoice from the being revived after my nap and the intake of a full 32 ounces of coke.

2 pm: More work on Facebook. This is usually the point where I consider making an app that would crush my enemies. I like to call it, “Catville.”

3 pm: Get called away from Facebook to go to a meeting about Facebook. I can’t get my fix, but it’s close enough for an hour.

4 pm: Switch to LinkedIn and YouTube at this time of day just to really throw people for a loop.

5 pm: Finish up work. Call someone from my family on the drive home. Hope I don’t have to scream at any incompetent drivers who are texting or sitting in the middle of the road with no apparent idea how to drive because they are too busy tweeting about that funny thing they said to their coworker.

6 pm: Make dinner. Give affection to the cat who has been hiding in my bedroom closet all day because she is afraid of anything within our apartment when I am not available to scare it away.

7 pm: Go to the community theatre to do work. This could also be replaced with go to a networking event depending on the night.

8 pm: Wrap up at the theatre or networking event. Begin driving home and thinking of something to blog about. If I get a good idea, I possibly record an audio note with my basic ideas. Usually I just like to sing along to the radio instead.

9 pm: Look at my blog and see all the comments. Decide that I need to give my readers some attention and plow through the comments as fast as possible.

10 pm: Plow through Google Reader. Share the one article worth sharing, usually something about how Facebook is killing us all. Begin writing my blog post.

11 pm: Finish up my blog post and draw the cartoon.

12 pm: Collapse into bed. Hope I don’t have to do the same thing again tomorrow.

So there you go. The glamourous life a D-List blogger leads. Sounds sexy, doesn’t it? I know I get excited when I read that schedule.

Is your blogging life that awesome? LEt me know so when I come back at 9 pm I’ll have someone to talk to.

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You Can Now Kill on Facebook

Hitman-ville - The Anti-Social MediaHow many times have you seen an update that was so annoying that you wanted to strangle the person? Or maybe they tagged you in a photo so embarrassing, you wished you could shoot them right between the eyes until their blood ran cold on the streets.

With the new Hitman-Ville app from Zynga, you can now murder anyone on Facebook starting at the low price of 100 Facebook credits.

“Most people actually hate their Facebook friends,” says Jane Smith, a spokeswoman for Zynga. “For some people, blocking and defriending isn’t enough. Those actions can cause huge amounts of emotional scarring, but that trauma may not be enough. With Hitman, Facebook users can now use the social network to permanently eliminate the cause of their annoyances.”

Hitmanville works similarly to Farmville, Cityville, and other games designed by Zynga. The difference is that while these games are extremely painful for the players, Hitman-Ville is extremely painful for selected friends. In Hitmanville, players use Facebook credits to select a Hitman to destroy their target of choice. Hitmen start at prices of 100 Facebook credits and run all the way through 1,000,000 Facebook credits Hitmen who also drive a pink tractor.

This is also a huge boon to the Facebook economy. While some websites are innovating with stores and streaming movies on Facebook, no one else is trying such a controversial and creative app.  Zynga hopes the success of Hitman-Ville will lead to other apps such as Drug Dealer-Ville, Ho-Ville, and Gang Rape-Ville.

Soon, you’ll be able to do anything via Facebook. App developers are currently working on “Waste Management-Ville,” which will combine the fun-filled gameplay of Farmville with a new, exciting way for users to rid themselves of their bodily waste. Combined with the Pizza Delivery-Ville app, users may never need to ;leave Facebook again.

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3 Ways to Attain Social Media Godhood

Darth Vader - The Anti-Social MediaSocial media is supposed to be a fun way to connect and share with your friends. But you know what’s also fun? Using social media ruthlessly and at the cost of others to attain your personal goals such as greed, gluttony, and the envy of others.

So what kinds of goals should you set to reach the pinnacle of these vices? I’ve narrowed it down to three easy categories:

  • Sell Crap – This is so easy. Find a cheap product to sell (I recommend knock-off Viagra or imitation Coach bags). Then pester everyone you know to sell it. Tell them they get more discounts when they share it with more friends. Eventually, you’ll start building a social pyramid that will have you raking in cash while people you’ve never heard of are selling products that have no value. The goal and execution are easy. You just have to hope it all workout in the end.
  • Endlessly Annoy People – Sure, you can tell people anything you want using e-mail, websites, TV, mail, billboards, and countless other forms of advertising. But why not  penetrate their groups of friends and use them against themselves? There is nothing as pleasurable as the feeling when you successfully use friends to keep saying the same thing and promoting the same crap for your benefit.
  • Build a Cult – Some people call this loyalty. I say who needs loyalty when you can have blind devotion. If you can get your followers to jump off a cliff based on a tweet, it’s a cult. Building this cult is the most important thing you can do. These are the people who will troll your enemies, feed you, and pay your mortgage. Do whatever it takes to build this cult. The cult is great and worthy or your undivided attention.

Have your goal now? I’ve got mine. I’m offering you a spot in my new social media religion. “Liking” on Facebook is more than clicking a button, it is a way of reaching Nirvana. Join me. Do everything I say, and together we can reach social enlightenment.

Or we can make a few bucks selling fake pills to idiots. It’s win-win either way.

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F*%$ You Friday! Social Media Job Titles

Cat has a better job than you - The Anti-Social MediaWhen The Anti-Social Media started getting somewhat popular last summer, I had to figure out what to call myself as a blogger. Because I was writing about social media, “blogger” wasn’t a big enough title for people. I had to be larger than life with a title that was even larger than that.

Apparently writing anything about Facebook puts you into a bubble where you must add the words “Social Media” to some kind of noun. The crazier that noun is, the better. Crazy nouns are what make businesses trust in you apparently.

Anyways, I sat down and came up with a bunch of titles.

  • Social Media Sadist
  • Social Media Asshole
  • Social Media Satirist
  • Social Media Jaguar Warrior
  • Social Media Assassin

Those are fun, and I still use “Social Media Satirist.” However, I like to default to “Founder and Blogger,” because I now have Social Media in my actual job title.  And I can’t make fun of myself. That would be too easy.

Still, I love giving titles. For a while, I decided that my cat, Chibi, was Chief Hatred Officer here at The Anti-Social Media.  However, as I move into new challenges, I know she needs to be challenged as well.

First of all, Chibi is not hateful enough to be a Chief Officer of Hatred. Sure, she may like to claw and bite things, and torture any living creature that is smaller than her, but she isn’t hateful. Also, I can’t afford any lawsuits from anything that might be construed as a hate crime.

So, effective immediately, Chibi Dolan will be Vice-President of Community Management. Chibi’s specialties in sadism, torture, and playing with her prey are  a great asset to her role.  Her tactic of “sleep for 18 hours and let the community sort itself out” has proven to be both revolutionary and forward thinking, and I look forward to see her build her skills in this role.

Also, we may be looking to add a Vice-President of Engagement Branding soon. Let me know if you have any referrals.

So, who would you kill for the job titles I give to my cats? Do you consider your blog popular enough to give yourself a job title? I have a feeling that I’m not the only blogger who lives in a crazy fantasy world.

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Launching The Sarah Connor Project

Who Will Save Us from the 3rd Tribe - The Anti-Social MediaFor a while, I’ve wanted to monetize this blog so I could be a millionaire and live the glamorous life of a professional blogger. However, I wanted to do this not by selling eBooks or covering my site with advertisements. I also didn’t want to be a Mommy blogger, mostly because nobody wants to hear about the trials and tribulations of being a crazy cat Mom.

I wanted to create the ultimate info product that was so good, everyone and their Grandma would need to have it. Unfortunately, some guy at Apple made the iPad and I had to start over from scratch

So, I started Project Sarah Connor.

Project Sarah Connor was started to reinvigorate the 15th tribe of marketers. The 15th tribe combines some of the aspects of the first, second, and third tribes, but amplifies them by a multiple of five to facilitate focused engagement with small audiences. The 15th tribe believes we should resort to any shameless tactic possible to sell anything quickly. Snake Oil is on the high end of what the 15th Tribe sells, right along with tiger blood, rhino horns and knock off Viagra. We only operate online because we’re too cowardly to fight the power ourselves.

However, with the rise of authenticity and personal branding, the 15th tribe is dying out. People want to buy things from people they know with established relationships. Peddling cheap pills to the masses via SPAM just doesn’t cut it anymore.

Today, I’m excited to launch Sarah Connor as The Anti-Social Media Plus.

What is the Anti-Social Media Plus?

The Anti-Social Media Plus is your chance to connect and learn from me at your own, slow pace that won’t keep up with modern technology. If you feel like you’re behind the times, when you’re done, you’ll still be behind the times. I’ll probably have released The Anti-Social Media Plus More by then.

You can also use The Anti-Social Media Plus to connect with other people who want to pay to send me an e-mail. Sometimes you’ll hear directly from me, or other Anti-Social Media experts like my cat Chibi, but you’ll be able to learn from the wisdom of the crowd. And this crowd is much better than the one on Quora or LinkedIn because they are paying to share their knowledge and only getting recognized by a small community of professionals with too much money to spend.

Basically, think of it like the richest, smartest blogging community, with a prescribed course to learn about social media and become the best marketer ever without having any practical experience.

What does The Anti-Social Media Plus cost?

The Anti-Social Media will be totally unaffordable, but you can fool yourself into thinking it’s more affordable by sharing it with friends and making them pay with you.  Maybe if you get enough people, like a Groupon, it will be more affordable. But then you’ll have to share all that delicious knowledge and insight with other people who you’ll be competing directly against.

It’s your call, but I’d just avoid sharing because The Anti-Social Media Plus is your secret weapon to destroy the competition.

Why Should I Join the Anti-Social Media Plus?

Because you’re a loser who doesn’t want to learn skills from real people. Instead, you would rather learn at home from a computer and are too lazy to use Google.

And because its more awesome than anything ever put out on the internet for sale. It outranks the money printing machine and seeds for trees that grows only solid gold bars.

Who is The Anti-Social Media Plus for?

The Anti-Social Media Plus is for marketers, or PR professionals, or really anyone. Anyone who wants to give me oodles of cash can sign up. I don’t care where the money is from as long as you’re willing to pay me.

What if I don’t learn anything?

Then you’re an idiot and I’m going to keep your money anyways until I have enough of it pooled to make a swimming pool where I can swim in all the money I’ve earned.

OK, so when is this launching?

Whenever I damn well feel like it should launch. But soon. I need more oodles of cash derived from your inability to learn or send e-mails to people.

What else do you want to know about The Anti-Social Media Plus? Do you have questions? How much are you willing to fork over?  I hope you’re as excited as we are. My cat has been waiting for a chance to be a community manager, and she can’t wait to show me how she can toy with users.

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4 Ways to Ruin A Webinar

social media graph - the anti-social mediaI watch a lot of webinars. It’s how I learn about all the things going on in the social media so I can complain effectively about them.

However, most often, I watch a lot of bad webinars. These are presented by people who really should be getting paid to keep their mouth shuts, rather than getting paid to speak.

Here’s where most webinars break down from being a learning experience to a snark experience:

  • Terrible Examples – I once heard a presenter say “This slide says recent, but it’s really two years old.” Is it that hard to change a few words powerpoint slide? When you say you’re teaching about a subject, I want clear, relevant examples that relate to that subject. I don’t need your baggage and your madness. Just examples I can go think about and relate to my work.
  • Boring Content – With a webinar, you’ve got one chance to wow me, and when you don’t wow me, I remember. Someone is paying you to present this content. Make it interesting and relevant to your audience.
  • Horrific Graphics – Just as a clear, well-thought graphic can do a lot of help a webinar, a small, blurry graphic can drag it into the abyss. My personal favorite is when the presenter uses a graph, but fails to label the x-axis and y-axis. Of course I can interpret your graph accurately with no context! Thanks for being so considerate! Make sure people can understand what the heck you are trying to tell them, and that your graphic is clear enough any idiot on the internet can understand it.
  • A Voice That Puts me to Sleep – The only thing that’s even worse then being bored to death by the content is a presenter who’s even more boring. Most likely, I don’t have any visual representation of you, so your voice needs to do a lot of work. If you sound bored by what you’re presenting, I am too.

Do you hate webinars as much as I do? Have you learned anything from them? I want to know if there are webinars out there that aren’t for chumps.

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F%#* You Friday! Stuff Bloggers

Fuck You - The Anti-Social MediaBloggers who write solely for the purpose of getting stuff disgust me. Whether these people are Mommy bloggers or haul bloggers or whatever, it’s like I get doused in snake oil just trying to read their blog.

When I go to a blog, I don’t want to see a header that’s filled with captions like “Advertise Here,” “PR Policy” or “Buy my immortal soul.” Those make me worry about the content you share and if it’s worthwhile at all. I mean, I like product reviews, but I can read a million of them over at Amazon, and I won’t have to be subjected to your affiliate links and terrible ad choices.

I should also be clear that most of these people who I see do this have no idea what they’re doing on the internet besides writing. Their blog themes look like they were pasted together. The ad space and widgets in the sidebars are cluttered and have no thought to their layouts. It’s like walking into a demented funhouse where the only hope of escape is through making a purchase.

There’s a difference between getting paid to write, and just getting stuff and a few bucks from advertisements on your blog. I make a few bucks selling t-shirts online, so I understand people who want to make money from their blog. It’s nice to have some second income. But to be completely honest, if I were to only survive on my blog income, I’d probably die within a week, even if I only ate ramen noodles. The vast majority of bloggers aren’t not making glorious amounts of cash.

So a “fuck you” this Friday to the bloggers who care more about getting stuff from their personal blog than getting any fulfillment out of it. If you want to get a paycheck from writing, why don’t you just find an actual job as a writer somewhere? You don’t have to sell your soul to make money writing.

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You Don’t Have the Power of Social Media

Unless you are He-Man, you don’t have the power.

You cannot harness the power of Facebook. There is no power of Twitter. LinkedIn has no power, and neither does YouTube.

The people who use social networks have power, but the networks themselves don’t. Don’t use the term “The Power of Social Media.” When you talk about “The Power of Social Media” you sound like a cartoon super-villain.

Power of Social Media - The Anti-Social Media

You can’t harness the power of Twitter to crush your enemies and rule the world, and you’re not going to use “The Power of Facebook” to leap to success. Stop thinking about social networks as a twisted source of energy, and start thinking of ways you can be compelling to the users of those networks.

And if you try to sound be a social media super-villain, you will fail. I’ve already got you beaten, sucker.