Social media is supposed to be a fun way to connect and share with your friends. But you know what’s also fun? Using social media ruthlessly and at the cost of others to attain your personal goals such as greed, gluttony, and the envy of others.
So what kinds of goals should you set to reach the pinnacle of these vices? I’ve narrowed it down to three easy categories:
- Sell Crap - This is so easy. Find a cheap product to sell (I recommend knock-off Viagra or imitation Coach bags). Then pester everyone you know to sell it. Tell them they get more discounts when they share it with more friends. Eventually, you’ll start building a social pyramid that will have you raking in cash while people you’ve never heard of are selling products that have no value. The goal and execution are easy. You just have to hope it all workout in the end.
- Endlessly Annoy People - Sure, you can tell people anything you want using e-mail, websites, TV, mail, billboards, and countless other forms of advertising. But why not penetrate their groups of friends and use them against themselves? There is nothing as pleasurable as the feeling when you successfully use friends to keep saying the same thing and promoting the same crap for your benefit.
- Build a Cult - Some people call this loyalty. I say who needs loyalty when you can have blind devotion. If you can get your followers to jump off a cliff based on a tweet, it’s a cult. Building this cult is the most important thing you can do. These are the people who will troll your enemies, feed you, and pay your mortgage. Do whatever it takes to build this cult. The cult is great and worthy or your undivided attention.
Have your goal now? I’ve got mine. I’m offering you a spot in my new social media religion. “Liking” on Facebook is more than clicking a button, it is a way of reaching Nirvana. Join me. Do everything I say, and together we can reach social enlightenment.
Or we can make a few bucks selling fake pills to idiots. It’s win-win either way.
HA! Love it. Sounds like the best. Cult. EVAR!
It never ceases to amaze me that once Social Media became monetizable (is that a word? It is now. I decree it be so), many keep forgetting the “social” part. It suddenly became Sales Media, or in many cases Hock Anything Media. I completely think that businesses should use Social Media as a way to reach customers, build brand loyalty, and increase brand awareness, but, since you started the nerdy train rolling with your Star Wars reference above, “With great social media, comes great responsibility.” (that’s right, I went the Marvel route)
Thanks for another great post. With everybody and their mother screaming for businesses to utilize Social Media, you will likely have endless fodder to keep ranting about.
I just call them like I see them.
Haha, I enjoyed this
Being a Social Media lady myself and employed to do so… I gotta admit this is what most people are doing ;). It is a good opportunity for business though so you can’t blame ‘em for trying, and it puts me in a job (which I love) So I don’t complain. If you do it right it can be amazing for business. The one thing that really gets me is the sales advertising that you mentioned… There’s too much of it! I use it purely to keep in touch with customers etc, so that they can CHOOSE to be interested in the page and explore products and services further etc… Thats the way it should be, not endless calls to action. Like most businesses put down. Its weird, did a blog article on this the other week too. Only Im not allowed to put things down like ‘sell crap’ 
- hahaha!