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Archive | April, 2012

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Content Creation is for Chumps.

Give up while you're ahead. You’ve probably heard from so-called content marketing gurus that you need to create your own original content to succeed online.

That’s all lies.

Unique ideas are for people who are too dumb to figure out how to repurpose someone else’s work. Someone else has already had your original idea. Now just make it work for you

Stop creating. Give up while you’re ahead. Just steal everything you need.

No one wants original content. Nobody wants to be entertained or educated. They don’t want to be delighted. They just want to see the same crap, day in and day out.

So get to work remixing and repurposing. Nobody will mind seeing the same idea over and over and over.

How are you going to steal someone else’s work today?

 

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Social Media is like Something

What is social media - The Anti-Social MediaHave you heard about social media? Apparently, it’s a hot new thing, like Web 2.0 or the Information Superhighway.

Well, I haven’t heard about social media yet, so I did some research. Social media is like something, but nobody know what that something is. For example:

What. The. Hell.

Make up your damn minds! What the hell is social media like? A strategic game? Sexy clothing? Marshmallows covered in a fattening condiment?

Social media is anything. Whatever you want social media to be, social media can be it.

Just don’t make social media chess-playing, ranch covered marshmallow in a string bikini. Someone already has that twisted fetish covered.

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I Love the White Space

I Love Whitespace - The Anti-Social MediaIn an effort to remain relevant when so many people would rather it just die, Google  rearranged the deck chairs on the Titanic redesigned Google+ last week.

The redesign did not bring any major new features. Exciting new features would be too logical for Google+ to compete against the likes of Facebook, Twitter, or Pinterest.

Instead, Google+ brought the white space.

Other social networks fill every inch of your screen with needless crap and advertisements. Google+ reminds you to breath and relax with a huge swath of warm, white screen.

Embrace the white space. Love the white space. Make the white space a part of your very core.

For soon enough, the white space will be filled with contextual advertisements that suck the very soul out of your circles.

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Why you Need to be a Google+ Expert Right Now

Google Plus Marketers - The Anti-Social MediaGoogle+ has lasted nearly a year. That’s seven years in dog years, or like 10 years in social network years.

If it keeps this up, it’ll be in the pantheon of useful social networks. Perhaps it will suffer a better fate than what happened to Google Buzz, Ping, and, lord help us all, Quora.

So, now that it’s here to stay and will never change again, it’s time to start offering clients a bunch of services that they could get for free by spending an hour on the platform and  a few hours reading some good social media resources.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with charging people for your expertise when they are just being lazy.

What’s even better is that if Google+ does change again, you’ve now got your client trapped. They’ll need you, the expert, to understand the changes, even though everything works the same but they just changed the colors, or that people can now play Farmville on Google+.

Start advertising yourself right now as an expert on the new Google+. Tell everyone that it’s completely different than old Google+. Tell them that with the redesign brought new features that can bring them improved revenue and engagement.

If anyone tries to shut you down and says that you are a fraud, say that they are lying. You’re a Google+ expert. You know everything.

Duh.

Become the new Google+ expert now before some jerk writes a book about it.

You too can get rich from doing nothing but spewing buzzwords that mean nothing while claiming it’s engagement. Claim your riches. Be the new Google+ expert.

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How to Celebrate Foursquare Day

Foursquare Day 2012 - The Anti-Social MediaToday (4/16) is Foursquare Day.

Foursquare Day is a bullshit, social media marketing holiday. It’s basically a modern version of a made-up, greeting card holiday. There are a few differences though.

Instead of buying cards, a bunch of social media tools will write tweets and blog posts telling you to check into more crap. Oh, and rather than buying a token gift from the dollar store, you’ll just download the Foursquare app.

So how does one actually celebrate Foursquare Day? Well, the normal way is to pull out your smart phone, and check into locations all around town. But where’s the fun in that?

Instead, I suggest you use Foursquare Day as a way to remind yourself how creepy geolocation technology is. Remember:

  • Every time you check in, someone knows you aren’t home.
  • Every time you check in, your stalker can find you.
  • Every check in paints a geographical picture of your every. single move.

Creepy, isn’t it?

Happy Foursquare Day, suckers.

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F*%# You Friday! The Oatmeal

Social media professionals depend on one thing: being able to bullshit about engagement and take home a ridiculous paycheck.

And yesterday, The Oatmeal went and ruined that.

Motherfucker.

Now we all have to actually try. No more cat photos. No more thought leadership. Just actual work creating cool shit, and we all know how that goes.

Fuck you, Oatmeal. Fuck you for making me have to try and be more creative

Oh, and here’s your damned tank.

Fuck You Friday - The Oatmeal

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7 Ways to be a Total Badass on LinkedIn

I'm a Badass on LinkedIn - The Anti-Social MediaEveryone wants to be a badass on Facebook Twitter and Pinterest because it seems cool. You look popular even though you’re just another lonely soul with a laptop.

Sadly, we all can’t be bitchin’ like Mike Stelzner. I’ve had several thousand Twitter followers for a year now, and you know what it’s gotten me? Jack shit.

My order at McDonald’s is still fucked up. No random strangers stop me on the corner asking for autographs. Klout perks are overrated crap from China.

But LinkedIn is a different beast. When you’re influential on LinkedIn, you get better jobs. Better jobs mean more money.

It pays to be influential on LinkedIn. Literally.

So, here are 7 ways to be an influential badass on LinkedIn:

  1. Have a good picture of yourself – Don’t bitch that there aren’t any good photos of you. Basically everyone has a phone with a camera and crap load of photos of themselves on Facebook. Get off your lazy ass and find a nice professional photo of yourself so I can see you’re a human and not a cleverly disguised kitten.
  2. Get your nice resume on there – I know you probably made your LinkedIn profile and then immediately forgot it. If you have a job, you’ve probably written a nice resume somewhere. Copy and paste that shit into your LinkedIn profile.
  3. Add some skills, yo – You’ve got mad skills. Get them on LinkedIn, so everyone can know you’ve got mad game at “Social Networking” and “Personal Branding.”
  4. Connect with people – Do I really need to remind you that you need to be social on a social network?
  5. Get some recommendations – Someone, somewhere, has enjoyed working with you. Find that person. Ask them to write something nice. Bribe them if necessary.
  6. Don’t worry about posting shit – How many times do you hear about people who read something on LinkedIn? Exactly. If you see something worth sharing and you want to go for it, do it. But don’t worry about making it a priority if you’ve got better shit to worry about, like real life, or a zombie apocalypse.
  7. Don’t link your Twitter account – Most people blend their personal and professional Twitter accounts. No one wants to read your boring or embarrassing tweets on LinkedIn. We’re all to busy stalking people. Keep it separate.

Those are just the basics. But now you’ve got the tools to be totally awesome. Get off Facebook and do some social networking that might actually make a difference in your life.

How are you going to be a LinkedIn badass?

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Facebook Log Out Ads

Facebook Logout Ads - The Anti-Social MediaFacebook introduced a crap ton of new ad products last month.

As to be expected, they are a ton of crap.

The ones that seem the worst to me are the log out ads.

Maybe I just have too many secure personal computers, but who logs out of Facebook?

People who log out of Facebook need to be sharing a computer. So these people are either broke and using a computer at the public library, or they’re kids using their parents’ computer.

Great, the poor and young need more terrible marketing messages thrust at them so they can buy more crap.

Still, even then, who hangs out on the log out screen once they’re logged out?

So, here are my questions: Do you log out of Facebook, and if so, why?

I want to know if these ads are even worth their ones and zeroes.