The Anti-Social Media

Since Google+ launched, people have been asking me how I organize my Google+ circles.

Unfortunately, I have no grand ideas about how to organize the people in my online life. I use a number of descriptors to create some buckets, and from there I organize everyone as neatly as possible.

This is what it sort of looks like right now:

I really think I need to add circles for “Crazy Friends,” “Crazy Assholes,” and “Crazy Parents.” Of course, I’d probably get rid of “My parents” at that point.

How do you organize your circles? Does anyone else organize them by order of nuttiness? I’m gonna get to work adding some more people to circles so they don’t know how crazy I think they really are.

Google+ is brand spanking new. It’s not even a month old. If it was a human, it would be weak, feeble, and dependent upon a loving family to take care of it.

However, because this is the tech world, it’s in beta. Apparently 18 million people are using it, so I have no idea how that even counts as a beta anymore. It also means people are already abusing it into a tool of internet marketing to make a quick buck off of chumps and idiots who don’t know better.

The only profiles on Google+ right now are personal profiles so people can connect with other people and share crap they like but are too embarrassed to share anywhere else. There may be a few pets in there too, but that’s it. People only. No businesses or fan pages.

So people who are telling you how to use Google for your business right now are crazy. They aren’t experts. They aren’t geniuses with new ideas. They’re greedy assholes who are looking to make a quick buck on a brand new tool that may not have staying power or an audience that’s even relevant to you. Whatever business you’re conducting on Google+ can be done over Facebook, Twitter, or LinkedIn, and you and your audience are probably better suited for those networks anyways because they have established tools for businesses.

Should you ignore Google+? Hell no. It’s free to join. It only takes your precious time. So take the time to play with it. See what others are doing with it. Feel free to spend your money on a class about it if and only if you don’t get it. But trust me when I say that it will change and become more relevant to business later, and it will be more important that you get it then.

You and your business deserve better than internet marketers are trying to sell you on. Figure out where the audience for your business is online, and meet them there. Don’t just hop on every new social network because you can and it looks like it might be cool. You’re just wasting your resources and feeding people who’d sell you meaningless internet snake oil.

Pets are influential social networkers. Recent studies have found that 1 in 10 pets are on a social network. Sharing photos, poop jokes, and poorly veiled commentary is just as important to your fish as it is to your Mother-in-law.

But with a new social network comes the inevitable questions: “Should I let my pet use this?” “Is it safe for Fluffy to sniff new virtual butts?” “Is it important that my pet stay ahead of the curve?”

The answer to all of those questions is unequivocally “Yes.” Your pet absolutely needs to be on every new social network as soon as possible. It is now more important to get your pet set up on Google+ while a fancy profile and new circles. Here’s why:

• Animals are better at circles - My cat has three circles - Jay, Jay’s parents, and everyone else. She knows exactly what she wants to share with each group. With me for example, she wants to share that it’s 6 am and I haven’t fed her in 8 hours and that she hates me for it. For my parents, she can share how adorable she is without me knowing that she’s actually a nice cat. And for everyone else, she can show that awesome bug she killed and ate while I was at work. That kind of clear delineation is what makes circles work so well.
• Pets have no shame - Google+ is all about Google combining their multitude of products under one social experience, including search. So while things may be private now, who knows if Google will make everthing public to make the web even more searchable. Thankfully, my cat doesn’t care if this eventually happens, even if it ruins the illusions of her circles. Sshe will use her litter box in front of complete strangers, so why should she care if I know she’s actually nice to two people? Once all of her Google+ crap goes public against her will, she won’t care that everyone sees all eight of her nipples.
• Pets are trendy - Do you really want to be the person whose goldfish was left out of the Google+ beta? You’re not that kind of loser, are you?
• Pets need to be marketed to - Just because Google+ doesn’t have ads now doesn’t mean it won’t. And hopefully they’ll be just as creepy as Facebook ads. But if Google+ catches on for business, even though it has no direct business functions besides talking, think of how much stuff could be sold to your pets. Don’t your pets need more cheap crap made in China?

On Facebook, you friend someone. On Twitter, you follow them, and they follow you. On Google+ though, you add them to your circle.

You would think Google would understand the importance of having the right verb here. After all, because of how awesome their search engine is we now “Google” things. But saying “I added you to my circle” is awkward, and way to long for the internet. Let’s simplify it like average users will. I imagine as Google+ picks up, people will talk more and more about circling one another.

But what the hell does circling someone look like?

At first, I see it almost like someone would mark a hit list.

But I can also see it as a satanic ritual.

Or, we could literally make someone into a circle, which sounds terribly painful.

Either way, none of these convey a positive image. Who knew I had such a negative relationship with circles? Given this revelation, I might go back to Facebook just because I have “friends” there. And though I’ve argued, fought, and been humiliated in public settings by my friends, I’ve never been abused by them like circles have abused me.

What do you think of Google’s choice of language here? Does it make sense? Does it give you crazy images in your head? Or am I the only one who was traumatized by simple shapes at an early age?